Everything you said, I meant

Forsaking all others, I did

My strength and belief, I lent

Behind a mask and armor, you hid

Tonight, I’ll let the pain take me under. I won’t busy myself with the laundry or the dishes or the endless demands of our home and our kids— an effort to keep myself floating.

No. Tonight, I’ll let the wave knock me down and steal my breath.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Strong for too long. Existing on emotional breadcrumbs and holding on with white knuckles for better days.

They never came, so you went. Dragging my hope out the door.

Maybe our love was declared dead at the scene of the first betrayal? Maybe I kept it on life support too long—hanging on too hard, choking out what life was left in it?

I believed…

You weren’t meant to face your battles alone. I wanted to lock arms in the fight, not to fight you. I became strong enough for that. But I needed your honesty and understanding. I needed the trust I gave you that you proved to never deserve.

I wearied myself in the fight to be seen by you; heard by you; considered by you. I had nothing left to give as the spiritual attacks raged on.

I wasn’t looking for a hero— I already had One. I just needed a partner who’d agree it’s in Jesus alone we’ll find our victory.

Safety, truth, validation and integrity were my love language. To live in the Light.

You kept me in the dark; but Jesus is the Light and in Him, nothing remains hidden.

Open up, let the Light in.

I’ll remember the beginning. When I limped into your arms, broken by the world. It was there where my faith found its footing and where hope breathed life back into you, so you could face your battles.

I put you on a pedestal; you built me an alter. Those would be our first mistakes as both eclipsed our view of the only One who was mighty to save.

When you tumbled down and my alter became a prison, I cried out to Him.

I let you be human and saw you for what you were. I could love you there—when you let me in—but it was your game of pretend I grew to hate. Did you ever do the same for me? Love me for who I was, or just for who you wanted me to be? Was I always “too much” or “too little” in your eyes?

You promised to forsake all others, but never followed through.

You wanted me to keep abandoning myself in order to love you. I tried as the light behind my eyes faded and you disappeared behind your mask.

This isn’t abundant life. This is a whitewashed tomb.

In losing me, find you. In losing you, I’ll find me.

The waves of grief that pull me under are for the hope that no longer has a pulse. I’ve been mourning our love for years; it died long ago.

The hope I nurtured was that someday our God, with resurrection power, would bring that love back to life.

Instead, He’s bringing me back to life.

The same faith that got its footing when you waltzed into my world, is the faith that makes me surefooted when the world revolving around you erodes with every wave.

Someday, I’ll live to love again—with a wise and steady kind of love; a love that fans the flames of passion instead of snuffing it out. A love that ages beautifully and honestly; dancing with the ebbs and flows.

But today, I’ll let the waves pull me under and be baptized in the Living Water—fellowshipping with Him in my sufferings as He exchanges my pain for a promise. He is faithful.

“I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD.” Psalms 27:13, 14