spirituality
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Sometimes I take inventory of my body and find my jaw clenched, my shoulders tense, my hands balled into fists. It’s like I’m hanging on for dear life to something slipping through my fingers. What if I let go? Let myself be cracked wide open? Let myself melt into rest? What if—instead of holding on…
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When my heart is overwhelmed and things get really real, I want to be led “to a rock that is higher than I” not to my own familiar devices—an attempt to self-soothe. Self produces that which is of the self. I’ve lived enough life to know I don’t need a self-production; I need an impartation…
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Everything you said, I meant Forsaking all others, I did My strength and belief, I lent Behind a mask and armor, you hid Tonight, I’ll let the pain take me under. I won’t busy myself with the laundry or the dishes or the endless demands of our home and our kids— an effort to keep…
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This month marks a year that my husband and I have been separated; six months since we’ve sought divorce. This bitter pill has been excruciating to swallow, but I’m washing it down little by little, trusting God to make it make sense when I get to the other side. Although I’m very much “in the…
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Written December 4, 2019 Let your guard fall. You don’t have to be the strong one here. My love isn’t fragile. It doesn’t hinge upon your ability to “get it right.” My love is a tower of strength; a place of refuge where your heart is safe. I understand you. I know you. I love…
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You rode into my life, a knight in shining armor; pulling me out of my own miry pit. A hero in my eyes, until you sliced me with your sword. It wasn’t intentional, you’d say.In fact, how dare I assume it was even about me at all? This invalidation lodged a dagger in my heart,…
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Journal entry: December 9, 2022 How do you come out from the cocoon of survival and emerge as a butterfly? I once slinked along the ground, carrying the DNA of a butterfly but looking nothing of the sort. I tucked myself away in hidden-ness, allowing You to turn me into goo; trusting You & “trusting…
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Journal entry: February 25, 2023 In so many ways, I saw You as a means to an end… A way to get what I so desperately wanted but was too effed up to acquire on my own: A family, a sense of belonging, a home. If I acquired that—with your help—my life would be good.…
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It was halfway through the previews when my childhood best friend Amanda and I stumbled through the dark theatre, leaving a trail of spilled popcorn, tipsy off laughs and shared margarita flights. We were meeting our sisters and moms on the opening night of the live-action depiction of Disney’s The Little Mermaid. The cartoon version…
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I never felt loved growing up, despite having wonderful parents who loved me fiercely and did the very best they could. That truth has always haunted me as a parent: Not feeling loved as a young teen led me to make a lot of self-destructive decisions. Because of this, I carry so much fear that…