When my heart is overwhelmed and things get really real, I want to be led “to a rock that is higher than I” not to my own familiar devices—an attempt to self-soothe.

Self produces that which is of the self. I’ve lived enough life to know I don’t need a self-production; I need an impartation from the Spirit.

A heavenly infusion.

On my worst days, though, an overwhelmed heart has led me to a food-induced, doom-scrolling fog. Or an explosive rage out, followed promptly by a shame spiral.

On my better days, it has led me to a sweat session, a phone call with a friend, a dance-off with a spatula in my kitchen… (nothing inherently wrong here, but what happens if I choose to press in deeper still?)

On my best days, it has led me to the Rock—The Cornerstone, if you will—where I slipped into the cleft, locking eyes with my King and holding fast until the storm passes.

>>Things whispered in the cleft have ruined me in the best way.<<

(^This is what happens.)

I’ve always had oceans of feelings in my deep, complicated heart and little tools to deal with the massive storms they can produce.

I’m learning…

The ease and familiarity of my own devices calls to the root of self-sufficiency buried in the depth— the dark places where I still believe I’m too much or too little, even for God.

In those times I tend to turn inward and inevitably miss out.

However, when I avoid the allure of self-sufficiency’s call and, in vulnerability, press in to my interdependency on Him, I’m rewarded every time: Fellowship. Presence. An experiential encounter with the Promised Comforter.

He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. (Hebrews 11:6)

Many seasons ago when comfort-eating was a bigger issue for me, God spoke to me while my fifth consecutive sugar cookie still hung from my mouth. He said “You don’t experience the reality of Me as your Comforter, because you choose to comfort yourself with food instead.”

Oof.

I’ve been unpacking that ever since.

In this season of shifting, of deep grief and of letting go, those counterfeits just aren’t doing it for me anymore.

I’ve tasted and seen and now I’m insatiable for Him.

Oh, there are many times I still choose the lesser thing. Many times when I can’t escape the allure of the sugar or the doom-scroll. Old habits die hard.

Each time, though, I’m reminded why reaching for the hem of His garment is always worth the stretch…

Today was one of those days. It started in the fog. There’s lots of practical reasons why, but none of those matter when this truth remains: He is Worthy of it all.

Fellowshipping with Him for fellowship’s sake is absolutely sacred.

My reward came today when I repented for the times I sought Him for what He could give me rather than simply for His presence.

I recognized that any gift He gives can become a whip to my back and a snare to my feet.

He alone offers pleasure without pain—Freedom without bondage.

It’s true that “the Fear of the Lord swallows up all other fears.” Similarly, delighting in Him swallows up—then magnifies—all other delights.

In a beautiful display of His goodness, what delighting in Him swallows is reproduced ten-fold through His infusion of Heavenly Joy and Light-producing pleasure into all our earthly, mundane things, that can only come from Heaven down.

The Impartation.

Here’s to more of reaching for the hem of His garment while resting in His ever-lasting arms—An act of faith and trust that puts space between me and my devices, and makes room for Him.

“You will show me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” Psalm 16:11