This month marks a year that my husband and I have been separated; six months since we’ve sought divorce. This bitter pill has been excruciating to swallow, but I’m washing it down little by little, trusting God to make it make sense when I get to the other side.

Although I’m very much “in the thick of it,” I want to share a few nuggets of wisdom I’ve extracted— nuggets I hope you’ll find valuable to digest and energize you through your own journey of ups and downs. I’ve heard it said “character is forged not on the mountaintop, but in the valley” and I intend to climb up out of this a better person than I was going in. And maybe by the grace of God, as I write my way through it, I’ll drag a few of you along with me, too.

Together, we will glorify God who is the Light along the path of our darkest valleys.

God isn’t in the “what ifs” but He’s all over the “what is.”

Denial and minimization will never make a problem disappear. It takes courage to face the truth head on and be honest. Living in denial may bring us false peace today, but it will cost us later.

False peace at all cost will cost us. Peacekeepers are not the same as peacemakers.

Timing is everything.

Sometimes when we get healthy, we no longer fit. If we try to fit, we’ll become unhealthy again.

God promises to be our comforter but we can only experience this as a reality when we reject—by faith— our own destructive attempts to self-soothe. This makes room for Him to fill the void instead. Sometimes God comforts us supernaturally in our secret place with Him— other times He partners with His people and shows up practically. Both are beautiful and sacred.

We can have compassion on others without abandoning ourself. Self-abandonment is not self-sacrifice. Only one is holy.

Our needs don’t make us needy, they make us human. Some needs we can meet on our own and with God’s help. In relationship, trust is built through a need vulnerably expressed and thoughtfully met. If someone decides they don’t want to meet our needs, no amount of yelling, manipulating, rationalizing, begging or pleading will change their mind.

Consistency over time is what repairs. That, and lots and lots of grace + benefit of the doubt—especially to those who’ve been deeply hurt and betrayed.

If someone tells you you’ve hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t. A little validation goes a long way.

You’ll never regret praying more, seeking godly counsel, submitting to accountability and cleaning up your side of the street. You will regret it if you don’t.

Anger is an appropriate response to betrayal and deception.

We shouldn’t require a lot of grace yet have very little to give. We shouldn’t minimize the way our actions affect others and have expectations of others that we fail to fulfill.

Complaining is the language of the devil; Venting is a dialect.

If the actions betray the words, believe the actions.

We’re nobody’s savior. We can’t save ourselves, we can’t save others and others can’t save us. We each need Jesus—and sometimes our shoddy attempts to be Him hinder others from a genuine encounter with Him. Be true to who God created you to be and leave the saving to Him.

Idols are rarely golden calves. Sometimes they’re blessings from God Himself that we’ve mishandled in our humanity and failed to prioritize correctly. A person. A relationship. Our children. Our professions. Our roles. These good things make bad Gods. They’ll always fall off the pedestal we put them on and make a hell of a mess when they do.

Other idols are the “little” immoral things we find a way to justify and refuse to let go of, no matter how destructive they’ve become—over and over and over again. These idols will always kill, steal and destroy what we give them access to. And they’ll always fail to produce the lasting fruit only the Spirit can produce.

Speaking of fruit, judge the fruit.

Speaking of judgement, discernment and judgement are not the same thing. Just because someone is discerning doesn’t mean they’re judgmental.

There are no shortcuts on the high road.

Sanctification is not behavior modification. Sanctification happens from the inside out, not the outside in.

Which of these spoke to you? Do you have any wisdom found within your own valley that you’d like to add here? I’d love to hear from you. Please comment below