Journal entry: December 9, 2022

How do you come out from the cocoon of survival and emerge as a butterfly?

I once slinked along the ground, carrying the DNA of a butterfly but looking nothing of the sort. I tucked myself away in hidden-ness, allowing You to turn me into goo; trusting You & “trusting the process.”

Believing.

How do I break out of this protective shell and show up as You’ve destined me to?

The gap has widened and I don’t know how to bridge it. The thought scares me and shakes me to the core. To be attached so completely— in soul and spirit— and to feel the slipping away. The reality is dense and heavy. To have every defense down and love after pain, trauma and rejection only to be traumatized by the “object of my affection.”

There was never an “object” to be idolized and that is the log in my eye— to believe the lies, hang on to the words the actions inevitably betrayed— a player in “the game.”

On the outside, everything looking good and the image upheld. On the inside, living a different reality.

Vienna Pharaon once said “Sometimes our healing happens when we change the way we relate to the things that will not change,”

No longer in denial of the reality around me, surrendered to the Truth and Your work within me—comforted in knowing You finish what You start.

It’s not done until it’s good.

You are good… I’ll keep my eyes locked on You as I break free from survival and learn to use the wings you’re producing from “the goo” and equipping through the struggle.